A start

So, i think i decide to blog big time! Why? Everyone is doing so, why not me?

Well i won't wanna be blogging on products or something but i'll just blog about anything i want to. Who cares anyways? I'm the one seeing this. So it'll be like my online dairy that runs naked all around the net. People see, people see lo! It's meant to be that anyways.

So, this is the end of my post this time.

I sit and cry

All i do is just sit down and my eyes gets wet. I'm frustrated, frustrated by my life. By what my life is now.

What am i doing with my life? Where am i heading to? I've failed, failed every expectation, failed every opportunity, failed every hope, failed everyone. I tried to live my life, but now all i am doing is just sitting down and cry in my room. No one knows. Not even the people closest to me. They don't know and won't know what's going down deep inside on me. There's no one i can talk to. There's no one that can help. I call out to the name of Jesus, even that brought no change to me. What kind of a life am i in now? Helpless, useless, goaless, redundant, suffering, and no one is to be blame except me.

But then who could ever see? Who could ever know what i'm going through inside? No one! Not even the people closest to me! If i open up, no one understands, the suffocation inside of me. Yet, i cannot show it outside of me. I cannot show you how broken down i am. Who would understand? No one! All people think is this guy is just playing pity party, or he is just wanting attention. Ya, anything you say!!!!

It breaks my heart every single day to see everyone wakes up in the morning with great hope of what's coming and what to expect, as i have nothing in front of me. I'm just living everyday in this cage that i cannot show people. What is the point of living then? Am i wasting my time? What does life have for me? Everything i want seems to run out of my plans. I have no place to go, no where to turn to.

All i can do is just sit and cry everyday.

Naive

Days, weeks, and i'm still counting. I need a clarification. Everything is so misty, so foggy, smoked. Honestly, yes, but is it the best policy? It should be, no doubt in the end truth hurts. So, do we want the truth or do we not want the truth? Sometimes i tell myself, living in the lie is a lot nicer, less worries, a lot happier. It's so much fun. However we can always turn fantasies to facts, lies to truths, dreams to reality. It's just that the process is a lot tougher. If we can pass through think and thin, then we are unbreakable. Why not take that risk then? In the end of the day we only live once. Why not love with everything we can? Why not get into a little trouble to get that satisfaction that no other way could give? Yes, there are consequences, but what's worst? Facing the consequences or facing yourself asking why didn't i, and regret why we didn't.

I hope my heart beat is being heard, and that i can move you. Something to challenge us to listen to our hearts and not our brains. Yes, i might have just think too much, perhaps this feeling is not mutual, this is me being naive.

Love you

Though I left you there sleeping
No I dare not say a word
Silently weeping
Knowing what I heard
What can I say
I was never good with words
My tongue always got it wrong
Hoping that you knew all along
I love you, I love you [x2]

Hell I've done all I can
How else can I get this through
I know you're someone else's
And I'm sure he needs you
When I'm laying in my bed
I can say what's on my mind
Let my actions be my words
I'm sure that you heard
I love you, I love you [x2]

I love you, I love you
I love you, I love you

-by Alex Clare-

Up all night - Alex Clare

Wakin' up in someone else's bed,
Was what I was waitin' for
Oh my days what have I done,
She saw me sneaking out the door
What have I been waiting for,
Been wasting all my time
Watchin' my youth slip away
Surely is a crime

And no, she don't know what we do in our spare time
No she don't know that we've been up all night
All night, all night, all night

[Chorus: x2]
We go on and on and on and on and on
Never knowing where, never knowing where
We gonna, we gonna, we gonna end up in the morning

Sun is out while I'm walkin' home,
And my heads up in the clouds
Trying to get my self to bed
But I really don't know how,

And no, she don't know what I do in my spare time
No she don't know that we've been up all night
All night, all night, all night

[Chorus: x2]
We go on and on and on and on and on
Never knowing where, never knowing where
We gonna, we gonna, we gonna end up in the morning

When I get myself home to my bedroom,
I'm gonna sleep all day till the sunsets
[x4]

[Chorus: x2]
We go on and on and on and on and on
Never knowing where, never knowing where
We gonna, we gonna, we gonna end up in the morning

Blank head

My head is blank. Can't think of anything. But as i write, there's just too many things crashes in my head, but i don't know where to start.


One side i have lots of positivity running through my blood stream, another side i feel like a piece of shit. 


A lot of times in life, i think i expect too much. Too much from anything my heart catch hold on. My heart is full of hope for great things, and not afraid to take chances, not afraid to get into a little trouble. My heart is ready for a move, is ready to be set free. However, it might not be the same the other way. My brains are thinking, is it really needed? What will happen after that? What are the circumstances of my action? How should i face it?


Why must there be contemplation? Why must there be accountability? I'm not being irresponsible but why are we afraid to take chances? Why are we afraid to make a mistake in life? Why are we, afraid? I guess the main stumbling block is fear. Fear, is real. It's undeniable.It's painful. But it does not mean you cannot overcome. All we need to do is to give in to one another, and conquer this fear together, as long as we are in the same ship, there's always a back-up, a partner, a companion. At least you don't go through fear alone. What seems to be the bigger picture is loneliness.


Maybe at the end of the day, i'm just lonely. Loneliness doesn't mean there is no one with you. It's more about no one by you. Being with you and being by you is 2 different things. Being with you is a physical person beside you, but being by you is not just physically, but mentally and emotionally feeling and agreeing and standing by you no matter it rains or shine. We don't usually find this kinda people around, but we can always be one ourselves. When you meet that someone that stands by you, never loose them. Hold them tightly in your heart and never let go. That, is what i've found but, i can't keep.

Heart vs Brains

Heart vs Brains, why?

My heart always have a different opinion with my brains. 

My heart feels, and my brain thinks. My heart is simple, but my brains are complicated. 

My heart is care free, my brains are careful.

Heart is about possibilities, Brain is about responsibilities. 

Heart is about what i want, Brain is about what i need. 

Heart is about the will, Brain is about the way. 

Heart is EQ, Brain is IQ. 

Heart is young, wild and free, Brains is mature. 

Heart soars, Brain develops.

So, Heart or Brain?